Amazing Author Wins Five Pulitzers at Once

I push the thruster to full power on my super monkey double crazy jet fighter robot plane. The engines roar as I blast past the monster robot's evil torso. Whooosh the monster's big club misses my plane. Hah-haaa! I fire side rockets to turn 180 degrees in an instantenous maneuver. The monster robot wasn't expecting that. I'm behind it with my supercharged turbo triple gatling laser guns facing the back of its ugly head. Pchiuwww phciuwww pchiuwww pchiuwww pchiuwwww. I turn the head into swiss cheese with my appearing disappearing glowing red laser strings. Pchipchipchipchipchiuwwwwww. I stop and watch the little red holes glow blue as the monster falls to its knees. It slowly starts raising its arms and tentacles towards its gigantoric headache. Kabooooshabagang bangbangbang boooooooomshhh: The head explodes and starts raining orange blood on me and all the other super monkey double crazy jet fighter robot planes. "Captain Irmak! We ..ffffff..ffff... ffff.. etreat! ..fffffff.. insectozoids overwhelming ..ffffffff..s!" The comm is flickering, but I got the message. Space-time quadruple fold protocol initiated. Jump. in. 5...4...3...2...1. beep GrooaaaaSHHHHHH BRIGHT BRIGHT EVERYTHING WHITE SHHHHaaaoorggggff… Oh my god oh my god I just landed in the middle of the shit. Insectozoids everywhere bang beep beep beep plane exploding EJECT, EJECT. As I am flying up in the pilot seat an insectozoid comes at me with its five headoids coming out of its shoulderoid. I pull my revolver off my boot and aim at the headoids. Bang bang bang bang bang I miss the last one. Noo. NOOOOOO. It chews my left arm off. Nooooaaaaaaaa! Get off, get OFF! Panting, I stick the barrel into its last mouthoid. I'll see you in hell, sucker. BANG! I blow the last headoid off. Wait. Wait the phone's ringing.

Hello? Oh, hi Rick. No, I wasn't doing anything. Well I did code part of the application but I'll probably need about a week to finish it. We can demonstrate it to the customer next... What? Uh, no I don't think that's feasible. The user can add things to a cart right now but I don't have anything for checkout. Even if I worked the whole weekend it's still not enough time to... Ok, no, ok, I understand. Yeah. Ok, talk to you later.

Oh well. I have to drive to work, Miss AttackMittens, here's your food, don't eat too much catnip, ok? Where are my keys?

As I start the engine, the whole car hums with the vibrations from the super advanced uranium oxide injection module I installed the night before the race. My nemesis Delilah Ghostwind is in the car next to me, in full black leather and sunglasses. She tilts her head slightly and blows me a kiss. Your dirty tricks won't work this time, baby. The garage door opens and Rrrrrooooooommmm rrrroooommm we all shoot out. 100 mph. 150 mph. I take the turn with a screeching slide. 200 mph. The peripheral vision is starting to blur now. 300 mph. The robotic computer voice kicks in. "Danger. Sharp turn ahead. Danger." 350 mph. I can do it. "Danger." The wall is coming at me at 350 mph. "Danger." NOW. I deploy the right corner parachute to put me in spin, then immediately fire the afterburners to straighten out at the correct angle. The car shakes and vibrates violently. The sound muffles as the road flows at me in the form of a big speedy blur. I did it. There are only two other drivers in the world that can pull this off. Delilah Ghostwind and Rick Bossman. And there they are in the radar, all other cars explode on that wall boom booom boom booom booom. Clang. Computer, what was that sound? "Electromagnetic jammer detected. Bxxxxt. Jam in bzzzxxt progreszzzxxx." Oh, Delilah, you sexy bitch. "Vital functionxxx failing." I only have one chance now. I have to win this before the car shuts down. I arm the uranium oxide. "Automatic transmission lost. Switching to manual mode." Come on, come on. "Uranium charging. Electronic stabilizer failure." Both Delilah and Rick are making their moves, she passes me on my left, he does on my right. "Uranium charging. Ready to fire in 10 seconds." Rick's arm sticks out of his window in front of me. He and Delilah are ahead now, side by side. He is holding something. It's a .45. Holy shit. DELILAH! "Main CPU breakdown. Ready to fire uranium in 5 seconds." BANG. Delilah's car spins away and rolls a dozen times into the trees on the side. The bastard killed her. You'll pay for this, Rick. "Charge complete." I get ready for the supersonic shockwave. And I pull the lever. Pshhh BBRRRRROOOWWWWWWRRRRRR The noise is deafening as 9 Gs push me in my seat. Rick, the road and everything become thin lines across my windshield. 800 mph. My face is trying to crawl into my neck. I cross the finish line into the company parking lot, but I'm not finished. I've won and I couldn't care less. I fire the reverse thrusters until I come to a stop, and keep pushing as I do a full turn and start accelerating as fast as I can. 60 mph. The computer’s gone, we’re in full-on manual mode. 100 mph. Rick is coming towards me on the opposite direction. 200 mph. The radio crackles. "What the fuck are you doing? Get out of my way!" 300 mph. "No, Irmak, no, oooohhhh shiiiiiiittt" Fear takes control of his mind, and he steers away to avoid crashing into me. At that speed, this means his car loses grip and flips. The asphalt crushes the cockpit and Rick's fucking skull. I slow down, stop and get out of the car. I walk over and spit on his burning fuel tank. I'll see you in hell, sucker.

Hey, Norman. How are you? Yeah, I'm not thrilled about working on a weekend either, but I have to finish coding a stupid shopping site until Monday. Could you buzz me in? These electronic turnstiles are being stubborn again. Thanks! See you!

I turn on the computer and enter the password. Countless terminal windows open, full of dangerous code. I start planning which backdoors I will use to hack into the FBI mainframe. I cannot leave any traces, otherwise the government could track the stolen nuclear warhead activation codes to me. As I start writing the first few lines of code, I pause for a moment. You know what? Life is just super monkey double crazy fun no matter what.

Note: This story is closely related to my essay Movie Science for Ph.D. students.