Ellie

When I met Ellie I was not impressed. She was funny alright, and ravishingly beautiful, but the world is full of attractive people and Amy Poehler is funnier. She was very much aware of her own charm, which turned me off. When she suddenly turned to look at you, her long blonde hair would magically swirl away, revealing bright blue eyes sparkling with intelligence, and a dizzying hint of coriander would subtly conquer your sense of smell. I admit it was a tour de force, but she did not have the power over me that she did over all those other men. I was immune to her loveliness. A few of us would go see a play, and I would disdainfully watch her analyze it afterwards with nothing but pseudo-intellectual clichés. The others would gaze at her lips with drooling appetite for the next few words. I could see right through her. When I took her to the amusement park one night, she ate three sticks of cotton candy and ran around smiling happily like a little child, and I remember thinking to myself, "Who do you think you're fooling?" When she kissed me that night, I couldn't deny that it was a great kiss, but that's all it was, I did not feel anything. Not even after spending all night together. The sex was great, but it would be unfair to give her extra credit for that. Being attractive, confident, and playful were her strong suits in general, so good sex naturally followed. I guess I did feel something when she moved in after four months of dating, I am human after all, but nothing major, nothing life-changing, and it went away a few hours after we set up her Ikea dresser and we were finished with the move. I am looking at that same dresser right now, the last piece of her left in my apartment, completely devoid of emotion. I am most certainly not crying. The world is full of attractive people and Amy Poehler is funnier.