The sassy sorrows of young Irmak, gleefully played as he descends ever deeper into the warm bosom of a lush insanity
Hello everyone! Welcome to my imaginary press conference for the release of my imaginary EP. What’s that, Christiane Amanpour? You’re absolutely right—with so many imaginary journalists showing up, we can’t possibly fit in the Chicago Theatre. Looks like we’ll have to move this to Wrigley Field. Stop complaining, Anderson Cooper! Oh by the way, if you run into Katie Couric in the crowd, could you please let her know that our imaginary interview will have to be delayed for at least half an hour because of this mess.
Alright, alright, alright. Where were we? Thank you all for coming, let’s open it up to questions and not lose any more time.
Yes, Diane Sawyer?
Great question. I was inspired by a series of sudden realizations while eating a Filet-O-Fish.
Realization no 1. I have a separate page for every single song in my vast catalogue.
Realization no 2. Not everyone is as crazy about me as I am.
Realization no 3. Not everyone is as crazy as I am.
Realization no 4. This needs more tartar sauce.
Realization no 5. People may just want to listen to the songs without having to navigate them individually or read endless blurbs about them.
So, I imagined that they were compiled in a single EP, and Technicolor Ghosts of Vivid Madness was born.
Yes? Wolf, excuse me, I was nodding to Lester Holt; he’s right behind you.
I guess I could indeed just call it a playlist of the songs on the website instead of an imaginary EP, but where’s the fun in that, Lester? Would you dare call Sgt. Pepper a playlist, Lester, just because it’s a set of songs? Well, yes, I know this EP is no Sgt. Pepper, Lester, I didn’t mean to imply—I mean I went for the most ridiculous album I could think of to call a playlist as an exagge… You know what, fuck you, too, Lester. Alright, alright, don’t cry. It’s OK, let’s hug it out. I can’t stay mad at you for longer than ten seconds.
Robin Roberts, at second base. Don’t worry, Bob Woodward, I see you, I’ll pick you next.
Thanks for asking, Robin! Why, yes, we are certainly planning an imaginary tour. I am currently working with Taylor’s people—they amassed invaluable experience during the Eras Tour. We will announce the dates next week, there are just a few safety hurdles left to figure out. Safety first, Robin. That’s our motto. Our main concern is to ensure that the stadiums don’t collapse under the weight of millions of imaginary fans. Thank you.
Shoot, Bob.
Yeah! You hit the nail on the head, Bob. I can fully get behind a man descending slowly into madness, but is thoroughly enjoying the process and jovially playing along to his own demise as a description. I mean, that’s pretty much what’s happening right now as we speak. Aww, you’re a legend, too, mate, that was sweet of you to say. Finger guns right back at ya.
Alright everyone! Thank you once again for coming. Happy listening! Please enjoy. I look forward to reading your imaginary reviews.
